


when did you fall out of love with me?

by suckerforblove



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: After 6B, Angst and Feels, Break Up, Break Up Talk, Conversations, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Denial of Feelings, Derek Has Feelings, F/M, Falling In Love, Feelings, Feelings Realization, Fights, Light Angst, Love Triangles, Lovers to Friends, Lydia Martin is Perfect, Lydia is a sweetheart, Lydia-centric, M/M, McCall Pack, Mutual Pining, POV First Person, POV Lydia, POV Lydia Martin, Pack, Pack Feels, Pillow Talk, Pining, Post-Break Up, Prompt Fic, Realization, Sleepy Cuddles, Smart Lydia Martin, Song Lyrics, but sort of, not really - Freeform, sterek is endgame, there's a bunch of song lyrics in there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2020-08-20 07:24:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20224057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suckerforblove/pseuds/suckerforblove
Summary: I won’t tell you I’m lonely ‘cause it may be selfish.I won’t ask you to hold me ‘cause that won’t mend what’s helpless.There’s not a thing I could say, not a song I could sing for your mind to change.Nothing can fill up the space, won’t ask you to stay.No use wondering why your changing heart has wandered.So I’ll ask you this question: when did you fall out of love with me?or, Stydia relationship problems from Lydia's POV





	when did you fall out of love with me?

**Author's Note:**

> I've read a dialogue prompt somewhere and I felt the urge to write this fic. ("You know you're in love with her, right?" "Since when?" "Since pretty much always. That's why I'm breaking up with you.") I love Lydia and her character development, so it wasn't that hard to imagine her in that situation (and being a complete sweetheart about it).
> 
> Title and summary from "Out of Love", by Alessia Cara.  
There are lyrics from a few songs in the middle, I'll put them at the end.
> 
> Forgive me for mistakes you may find. >>Set after 6B<<

Dating Stiles was like living in a fairytale.

He was the perfect version of a prince charming. Sweet, romantic, attentive, funny, comprehensible, caring, everything my exes weren’t. Maybe that’s the main reason I was so enchanted with him: he saw me as no other guy had ever done. The friendship we built along the hard path fighting the supernatural was also a huge part of the process of falling in love with him.

The truth is I don’t know how or when exactly it happened. But after I’ve tried to deny it to myself, after my failed attempts to date guys that were as stupid as they were hot, after his own attempt to develop a relationship with Malia, we finally concluded that we would work perfectly well together.

We decided to give it a try. And that showed us how much in common we had, how nice we got along. It showed me I could be appreciated and loved by who I truly am, that I don’t have to fake an image of a modern princess to be treated like one. I felt comfortable to be myself around him and safe about it.

After living together for a few months, since he finished his training in the FBI and I started college in New York, things were amazing. I felt happier than I had ever been and it seemed like nothing could bother me anymore. I knew I had someone to come home to, someone to hold me, listen to me, love me.

I’ve also taken pride in being sharp when it came to notice things around me. I was sure Scott was falling in love with Malia before they even noticed they were attracted to each other. I knew Jackson was gay since from the start. I noticed Isaac interest in Allison when she was still dating Scott and the boy tried to hide it at all costs.

That’s why I was so surprised that I had been ignoring all the signals.

Thinking back, I should have noticed it sooner. The little things, the seemingly insignificant moments. Well, seeing things now, I should have seen this coming years ago, but some people are harder to read than others, in my defense. And when you fall in love, you tend to become a bit dumb, a little biased.

If I had to point out, I’d say it started when we moved to New York.

Stiles was excited, of course, but then he came up with a few subjects that should have shown me the truth. It was usually at night when we were ready to sleep, lying close, tangled up together. I knew his mind wasn’t as quiet as his mouth, so it didn’t surprise me when he started to talk about things. Maybe that’s why I didn’t get suspicious when he blurted out:

“Don’t you miss Beacon Hills?”

I looked at him, unsure. Of course, I missed it, it was my hometown after all. But the tone of his voice made it clear that the matter was a bit deeper to him, so I just raised an eyebrow and waited for some explanation. He shrugged, sighting as if he regretted bringing it up in the first place, but locked eyes with me to say:

“I mean, what we did back there. Don’t you miss that feeling, the feeling of being important, I don’t know. Don’t you miss being involved in the supernatural?”

“We were always almost dying, Stiles.” I snorted, amused with him. “And I feel important right now, don’t you? I mean, you were just a high schooler, now you’re an FBI agent.”

“Intern. And, yes, but… Don’t you miss being part of the supernatural?” he insisted, clearly trying to make me see his point. Which, I didn’t.

“I’m a banshee and part of Scott’s pack, I’m pretty sure I am still part of the supernatural. So are you, the human of Scott’s pack.”

That sounded convincing enough. But not for long.

A few nights later, he asked me if I didn’t miss being around the pack, then if I didn’t miss our fights. From time to time, he would ask something along those lines, making it clear he did miss that a lot. I didn’t give that much of a thought, only when he focused too much on the “Beacon Hills” part.

“Are you saying you want to live there again? That New York doesn’t make you happy as Beacon Hills does?” I questioned, not feeling ashamed of how vulnerable I sounded.

“No, no, not at all, Lyds.” he rushed to kiss my cheek and hold my face in his hands. “I am happy. I don’t want to go back to Beacon Hills. I just miss the pack, that’s all.”

Maybe I should have looked a bit longer into his eyes. Perhaps that would have shown me that was “all”, that there was a lot more. Or not, because even right now, I don’t think he realizes what he was missing so badly. Even right now, I think I’m more aware of his feelings than he is himself.

We started to drift away. He was still trying to give me all of him, but I could feel the differences. Even when we were lying close together, it didn’t feel the same. I stared at his face, his eyes were closed and soft and there was a relaxed expression on his face. The sheets between us were messy and I remembered the reason, a satisfied sigh leaving my lips before I could help it.

_ You were sleeping next to me _

_ Arm to arm _

_ Dusk to dawn _

_ With the curtains drawn _

_ And a little last night on these sheets _

I smiled to myself, reaching out to touch his jaw, but then something felt off and my hand froze before touching his skin. At the same time, the memories from the night before made me happy, a small part of me had noticed some differences. It was good as always, Stiles was an attentive lover and extremely good in bed, but it felt like he wasn’t one hundred percent there, present with me.

And that was enough to make me second guess my touch. I wasn’t the most tactile person to show love. Of course, I loved kisses, hugs, cuddlings. But caressing someone’s face, holding hands, playing with someone’s hair, it felt weird and I was still getting used to doing that with Stiles, so I just retracted my hand.

_ So how come when I reach out my fingers _

_ It seems like more than distance between us _

That was the moment I noticed something was off, something wasn’t going as well as it was before. I couldn’t even begin to point out what was going on, but I knew something was wrong with us. I felt so distant from him all of a sudden like we were only lying there together because it was convenient.

I was ready to get up when his eyes fluttered open, blinking a few times before they focused on me. A wide smile spread across his face as rolled on the bed and threw an arm over my waist, pulling me closer to him. His nose touched the side of my neck and he yawned, kissing my shoulder before whispering:

“Morning, gorgeous.” with a sleepy voice.

_ Just when I felt like giving up on us _

_ You turned around and gave me one last touch _

_ That made everything feel better _

_ And even then my eyes got wetter _

I bit back a smile, hugging him back and kissing his cheek. Maybe I was reading too much into things, I thought. Maybe it was just an impression, nothing important, nothing to worry about, nothing I should even care about. Ignoring all of my insecurities from moments before, I wrapped my legs around him.

“Good morning,” I whispered, closing my eyes and letting myself relax on his arms.

_ So confused, wanna ask you if you love me _

_ But I don't wanna seem so weak _

The worries were pushed away, but they stood in the back of my head. I ignored them, tried to fight back the urge of asking him if something was wrong, if he still loved me. I couldn’t just start a conversation like that, it would sound so stupid, so weak. Even feeling comfortable enough around Stiles to let my guard down, I couldn’t submit myself to a situation like that.

That’s why I simply kept living as if the thought of something being wrong never had crossed my head. And now I see that I shouldn’t have, that may be a conversation like that was all our relationship needed at that moment, that if I had talked about my concerns, maybe he would have opened up and we would’ve found a way to make things work.

He wasn’t the only one missing the pack. Scott organized a schedule or something like that (according to him, with Malia’s help, but I bet it only involved her saying “yeah, whatever” to anything he suggested) so we could have pack nights over Skype. Surprisingly, that started to work better than anyone could have expected.

I found myself sitting on the couch next to Stiles, staring at the screen on his lap and seeing the members of the pack at least once a week. That particular day, Scott and Malia were lying together on their bed; Liam was sitting on a desk with Theo by his side and Mason and Corey on the other; Isaac was lazily splayed on his bed; Cora was staring at them like she wanted to be anywhere else; Kira was smiling happily from her new apartment; Jackson was resting his head on Ethan’s shoulder and Derek was sitting somewhere dark.

It was a mess. People mostly laughed and tried to play something, then managed to talk about the news or just engage in conversations about some pop culture thing. It wasn’t organized, but it was funny and everyone seemed to have a good time, even if I doubted Cora or Isaac would ever admit it.

Either way, when most of the people said they had to turn off, Stiles kept talking with Liam and Derek about what was going on around Beacon Hills. I got up, just like Mason and Corey had done, changing clothes and preparing myself a sandwich. I didn’t pay much attention to whatever Liam was talking about, heading back to our room after smiling at Stiles.

After over an hour, I frowned at Stiles still talking on the couch. Setting my book aside, I peeked into the living room and caught the sight of my boyfriend laughing happily as he tried to keep quiet. When our eyes met, he adjusted his posture and tilted his head, waiting for me to say something.

“What?” he questioned when I remained in silence.

“It’s late, Stiles.” I snapped, a bit harsher than I intended. It was true, but I didn’t have any reasons to be bothered about him talking to our friends when he was being quiet and I wasn’t even asleep yet. “Aren’t you going to sleep?”

“Yeah, in a bit,” he answered, but his tone was bothered.

“Whatever.” I turned my back on him and walked back to our bedroom.

That was the first time since we moved in together that we went to sleep without saying “goodnight”. But, after that, it started to happen a lot more often. It seemed like every pack night was a reason for him to stay up late, each time a little more. And I wasn’t proud of it, I knew it was childish, but I still went to sleep without saying anything to him.

Eventually, it became the topic of our first bad fight. The first that turned into second, third, generally a fight that happened weekly, before and after the pack night. Of course, we had fought before, but never without solving things, never without a good conversation before we buried the subject. And this particular one, well, it never stopped bothering us.

Stiles started to slam doors, rolling his eyes and give me sarcastic answers when we were fighting, whatever the motives were. It seemed that we were always fighting over something stupid, sometimes even yelling at each other. It was getting harder and harder to ignore the concerns bugging me, reminding me of how I wasn’t completely sure he loved me a few months back.

That’s why I asked him if something was wrong. Contrary to what I expected, the question didn’t start a fight, contrariwise, it made his eyes widen and he pulled me into his arms. Confused, I wrapped my arms around him back, feeling how much we were lacking that kind of intimacy lately and how much I was craving it.

“No, Lyds, I’m sorry if I made you feel like that,” he whispered against my ear, gently caressing my hair. I melted under his touches, letting him manhandle me until we were both lying naked on our bed.

For a few days, things appeared to be better. We were closer, talking more, laughing more, almost like when we had just started to date. And I remembered why I fell in love with that boy in the first place, making myself a mental note that fights happened to every couple, mainly when living together, so I shouldn’t be so paranoid.

But then…

Things started to get even more confusing. Some days, we were okay, completely okay, laughing, talking, touching, kissing. Other days, we fought, ignored each other. It was maddening to pretend it wasn’t happening, to pretend things were just fine when we acted like we were on a rollercoaster.

I questioned him again, this time a little rougher and I could tell it took him by surprise. He said I was crazy, that there was nothing wrong, that we were just too stressed out with our things - him with the work, me with my exams. And, well, it made sense, we were. But I knew that saying that there was nothing wrong was a lie.

_ Where is all this coming from _

_ What happened? What happened? _

_ You say I'm crazy and there's nothing wrong _

_ You're lying and you know I know _

_ Baby, what have we become? What happened? _

The pack nights continued and I participated less each time. It made me angry to hear his laugh when I was on the bed and he was still talking to our friends in the other room. When he came back to our bed, he barely talked to me, even if I was still awake. He looked at me, clearly seeing I was angry but didn’t even try to talk about it anymore.

_ We used to never go to bed angry _

_ But it's all we ever do lately _

_ And you're turning away like you hate me _

I should have stopped the situation sooner instead of trying to make myself accept that no relationships could be perfect. I should have seen the signs, the details, the small things he didn’t do anymore. But I didn’t, I just tried to make things better. And, to be fair, he was also trying hard to make things better.

Sometimes, he showed up with my favorite dessert. Or bought me books I mentioned I wanted. He accepted to watch TV shows he hated with me, holding me in his arms while tried to focus on the screen, but his phone kept most of his attention. It was like he was almost forcing himself to fix things, holding me there just because that was what he was “supposed to do”.

_ And you'd hold me here just because _

_ What happened? _

_ Love me or leave me here _

It was hard to watch us fall apart, but I was still in denial. So was he. We were both insisting on something that we thought we wanted, but looking back, I don’t think we wanted to be together that much. We started to act more like friends than like lovers or a couple, almost like roommates that slept in the same bed and had sex occasionally.

_ I could still be the only one you need _

_ The only one close enough to feel you breathe _

_ Yeah I could still be that place where you run _

_ Instead of the one that you're running from _

But it broke my heart to think about not being loved by him anymore. Our dynamic had changed, but not my love for him, so I thought I had to do something to fix it. I wanted to fix so bad. I started to put a little more effort, indulging him to do the same. And it worked for a while, it made us closer, made it easier to ignore that quiet voice telling me something was off.

After one of our goodnights together, I felt his chest on my back and noticed he was fast asleep, biting my lip when I thought about our future. When we started dating, I wanted nothing more than to make this work and I still felt like that. Even with all the bad part of us, the good was so good, was great, good enough to make up for our fights.

Stiles was a chance to have a normal life, but with someone who understood me, who had been with me through so many things, someone that knew about the supernatural from an up-close perspective. He was the guy I dreamt about finding one day, not about the superficial or physical part, but because he allowed me to be a version of me that I loved to be.

_ And I can't blame myself _

_ For getting lost inside the promise of you _

I didn’t want to lose that, lose my promise of an amazing relationship. I didn’t want to lose his love, even if I wasn’t even sure he loved me anymore. I had almost died for him and I would do it again a hundred times if I had to. I trusted him with my life because I know he would do the same without any hesitation.

_ I ride for my baby _

_ I died for my baby _

_ I'd die for my baby, no lie _

_ Maybe in a different world _

_ Baby, I could be your girl _

_ Maybe then, I'd be with you _

_ If there's winners and losers _

_ Then I'll be the loser _

_ I'm still here, I choose ya _

Then, what was happening to us? Why were things seeming so off? What was bothering me so much about his behavior? Why did I feel like he was never completely there with me? Why did I feel that distance between us? If we loved each other, what was missing? What did I have to do to keep his mind, body, and soul when he was with me? What could I do?

If love wasn’t enough, what would be?

_ There isn't enough love in the atmosphere _

_ To keep you here _

My mind was still racing with a billion questions when I fell asleep that night. How could we be so close and so far at the same time? Wasn’t love the motivation? If we have it and it still wasn’t enough, what did it mean? I didn’t even know if I wanted to find the answers to those questions, but I know now that I should have found.

Since I didn’t, things didn’t change.

Scott decided we should meet in Beacon Hills for the holidays since we would all be free. Stiles talked about the travel with so much excitement and I tried to stop the bitter feeling it gave me by reminding myself he was missing his father and I would see my mom again. The Sheriff sounded equally as excited when they talked over the phone about it, so did my mom, then I felt myself a little more willing to go.

We decided we should make a road trip to Beacon Hills and planned things together. We talked and laughed, in sync, I missed feeling that between the two of us. Things were quite amazing during the trip, until we started to come closer to the town and I knew it was my fault that I was getting grumpy and it showed, but I couldn’t help feeling we could fix us if we didn’t have to see anyone else, if the vacation was just between us.

Of course, Stiles didn’t agree. He called me selfish, parked the car at a motel without even asking about it and we went to the room in uncomfortable silence. He had barely looked at me since the fight, clearly upset, and I didn’t try to start up a conversation or apologize either, I still had a few issues swallowing my pride.

Maybe I shouldn’t have been as shocked and hurt as I was when he squeezed himself to sleep on the small couch instead of on the bed with me. But as he drifted unconscious, I stared at him thinking about how bad our situation was. Was there a way to fix it? Was I being too dramatic and we’d be just fine? Were fights like that normal?

If they were, why did it feel like I was trying to force puzzle pieces?

My mind wandered to when we were starting to date. Stiles was always so nervous, talking so much, so hesitant to touch me. I have to admit that I was pretty nervous myself around him when we started to go on dates, not knowing how to behave naturally instead of putting on a personality that wasn’t mine to please the boy with me.

Then, we grew comfortable around each other. I was okay wearing baggy clothes and letting my hair a mess while we were watching TV together. He wasn’t trying to get drunk to chill out when we went home together. We got used to talking until late in the night until we fell asleep in each other’s arms and woke up with stupid smiles on our faces.

_ From walking home and talking loads _

_ To seeing shows in evening clothes with you _

_ From nervous touch and getting drunk _

_ To staying up and waking up with you _

When the fights began and the distance seemed present even when we were sleeping in the same bed, things changed. We kept trying to make us work, holding on to these feelings we thought we needed, but I wasn't sure about it anymore. I started to think that our relationship like that was bound to make us go crazy. 

_ Now we're sleeping at the edge _

_ Holding something we don't need _

_ All this delusion in our heads _

_ Is going to bring us to our knees _

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I thought about the differences between the early days of our relationship and the past few months. I was starting to get used to the way Stiles had a higher sex drive than me, even enjoying this idea, but then the moments where we would make noise in our bed were replaced by us making noises by yelling at each other and slamming doors after fights.

_ When we're becoming something else _

_ I think it's time to walk away _

What was the point? Why were we trying to fix a relationship that was failing every single day? Wasn’t Stiles able to recognize we weren’t the way we used to be? Didn’t it bother him as well? Did he feel just as lost and desperate for a solution as I did? Or did he think it was okay to be in a relationship in those terms?

_ From throwing clothes across the floor _

_ To teeth and claws and slamming doors at you _

_ If this is all we're living for _

_ Why are we doing it, doing it, doing it anymore? _

My eyes traveled his body and I got up, throwing a blanket over him and watching his face closely. He moved slightly, but his eyes remained closed and I sobbed quietly as I got under the covers on the bed, trying to make my mind stop those thoughts. I cared about him, I loved him, how was something wrong?

Was I being too dramatic? Was I ruining things?

Maybe we could find a balance. There had to be a way that we could fix ourselves, that we could go back to how we were at the beginning, a way of saving us, right? I could find a way to ignore my stupid mind telling me something was off. I could find a way to feel just right around him again, I just didn’t know how yet, but I could, I should.

_ Trying fit your hand inside of mine _

_ When we know it just don't belong _

_ There's no force on earth _

_ Could make me feel right _

Wrapping my arms around my own body, I felt myself shake. It wouldn’t work, I couldn’t ignore how it didn’t feel right anymore. Stiles was an amazing person, but if there was something off between us, we had to talk about it, not ignore it. Then, a fearful thought filled my mind: what if that conversation ended with the two of us breaking up?

_ Trying push this problem up the hill _

_ When it's just too heavy to hold _

_ Think now's the time to let it slide _

Maybe that’s what we need. The thought flashed thought disappeared as quickly as it appeared because no, of course, that’s not what we need. We need to find our sync again. That’s all, then the bad feeling inside my chest will go away.

When I woke up, I opened my eyes confusedly because the room was filled with a nice scent that wasn’t there last night. My eyes found Stiles’ figure and I noticed he was bringing me breakfast he bought. He offered a small smile as he approached the bed with a few bags that smelled good and made my stomach growl. He snorted and we ate in silence, much more comfortable than the last night’s.

After we were done eating, I headed towards the bathroom. When I stepped back, he was sitting at the edge of the bed with a kicked-puppy expression. Our eyes met and he reached out a hand that I took and allowed him to pull me into his lap. His hands were careful and caring when they traced patterns on my waist, his eyelids closing for a moment.

“I’m so sorry, Lyds,” he muttered. “I really am.”

“I’m sorry too,” I told him with sincerity, letting my arms rest on his shoulders. I felt my chest constricted and my voice cracked when I continued: “I know this is important to you.”

“But so are you.” he retorted, lips curving slightly, but his eyes were watering. “I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” I nodded, thankful he wasn’t a werewolf and wouldn’t catch up on my lie. It wasn’t okay, we weren’t okay. “Stiles…”

“I love you, okay? I love you, Lydia Martin. I have loved you since forever.” he laughed with tears slipping from his eyes. “I don’t wanna feel like this ever again. Like I’m hurting you. I heard you crying last night and I…”

“Hey.” I interrupted him, unable to hold back my tears as I kissed his lips softly. “I love you, Stiles Stilinski.”

And that made everything else seem stupid. The rest of my paranoiac sounded irrelevant and made up because there he was, holding me like I was the most precious thing in his world and kissing me with tears in his eyes because he loves me. I cried on his shoulder for a moment, feeling his hands playing with my hair and letting his voice soothes me.

Little did I know it wouldn’t last.

It didn’t take long for us to arrive at Beacon Hills after that. Most of the pack were already there, except Jackson, Ethan, and Isaac. First, we stopped to see the Sheriff and leave Stiles’ things there. Then we went to see my mom and I occupied my old room. Scott and Malia were at Melissa’s house, so they were the next stop.

They seemed to be going strong. They were close to each other the entire time and Malia seemed softer, somehow, so I assumed the relationship was doing her good. I was genuinely happy to see their smiles and relaxed expressions, they deserved that kind of feeling and I was glad they were away from the usual supernatural problems that hovered Beacon Hills.

Liam, Theo, Mason, and Corey showed up at the McCall’s residence not long after we arrived, greeting all of us with tight hugs and excited expressions. Well, except Theo, Theo just waved and stood awkwardly in the corner as the others talked about their plans for Christmas with the whole pack reunited.

We all decided to head towards the loft. Derek made a few changes and it worked as a center for the pack and guests (mostly supernatural teenagers that needed a safe place). When we entered the place, it seemed completely different from the last time I had been there.

The tall walls were in lighter tones, some of them with big mirrors. Right in the middle were big and colorful couches that looked cozy with a huge television. There were big tables, a lot of chairs around them. The place had a small gym with equipment that looked werewolf-proof. Then there were books on a big shelf in a corner and a foosball table nearby.

It looked inviting, chill and safe. I wondered how would I feel there years ago when I was a supernatural teenager needing somewhere to be other than home. Scott probably thought the same, but his expression soon cracked into a huge smile and he seemed proud of having a place like that to his pack.

“This is amazing,” Liam commented excitedly. “Derek lets us stay here playing as long as we have good grades. And he cooks us our favorite foods. Did you guys know he is a good cooker? And he also knows a lot of chemistry, he helped me study.”

I smiled at him, seeing how Mason and Corey seemed to be equally satisfied with the place they had to chill. And Theo, well, was being Theo. But his eyes held some amusement as he watched Dunbar talking about how their schedule worked and all of the people that came to that place with them.

After a few minutes there, Kira and Cora came from upstairs. Cora was holding hands with a dark tall guy that introduced himself as Remy. After everyone settled, including Isaac, Jackson, and Ethan that had finally arrived, we decided we should ask for pizza and have a nice pack night in person this time. Cora was the one to make the call.

It didn’t take long and the door opened. It was the pizzas being carried by Derek, the owner of the place we just sort of invaded. He smiled at the sight, clearly not bothered, settling the boxes on one of the tables and approaching the couch we were all tangled together to greet us.

He hugged everyone with a wide smile. After I stepped away from him, I turned around to sit back again and my eyes stopped when I saw Stiles. He was biting his bottom lip, but still smiling widely as the werewolf wrapped his strong arms around his body. It was impossible not to notice their hug lasted longer than the others’. It was impossible not to notice Stiles’ flushed cheeks. It was impossible not to notice their hands lingering on each other’s shoulders. It was impossible not to see their eyes locked together, almost as if no one else was in the room.

I felt my breath hitching as my whole world turned upside down.

How was I so blind? How I ignored it for so long? How I didn’t see it before?

Suddenly, images filled my mind.

The day Stiles had comforted Derek when Boyd died. The way Derek seemed to call Stiles whenever he needed something. The way the werewolf trusted the human more than anyone else in the pack. The way Stiles’ eyes always lingered in Derek, mainly when the man was shirtless.

The day they arrived in Beacon Hills together to help us against Monroe’s army. The way they stood too close to each other, ignoring the concept of personal space. The way they had inside jokes and laughed loudly. The way they seemed to lock eyes whenever they were in the same room.

Derek was the one who always stayed up late with Stiles after the pack Skype nights. Derek was the one always texting him with memes or whatever they talked about. Stiles was always texting him to tell about stupid things. The man was always Stiles’ favorite subject to talk about, to ask about, to know more about whenever he talked about Beacon Hills with someone else from the pack.

I remembered Stiles’ expression, filled with pride and adoration as soon as Liam started to show us around and talk about how Derek was amazing to the pack. I remembered about their interactions during the years and all I could think about was how blind I had been to not see that since it wasn’t anything new.

And, suddenly, Stiles’ obsession to ask around if he was attractive to gay guys during a time in high school made a lot more sense. Stiles’ eyes traveling some guys’ bodies during lacrosse practice. Stiles trying to talk about bisexuality. I ignored and didn’t pay attention to any of that, but now it seemed so obvious.

Not only his attraction towards man but the spark that had always been there between him and Derek. They were always drawn towards each other, always ending up close during their reunions to discuss something, always seeming to be in their own world when they started to talk about anything, even stupid matters.

They loved to bicker with each other. They were always being sarcastic, always teasing the other and making sure they had the other’s attention. Stiles was never subtle, never able to hide his feelings towards people, whether he liked or hated someone. Derek was a bit harder to read, but he still didn’t succeed in hiding his appreciation and trust for Stiles.

How I didn’t see it before?

Things started to fall into place and I felt an urge to cry and laugh at the same time. My heart and my chemosignals must have given me away, once all of the werewolves stared at me with worried expressions. Scott seemed ready to get up, arched eyebrows and eyes focusing on me when he asked:

“Lydia, are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, don’t worry.” I laughed a bit humorlessly, but I didn’t lie. It was okay.

And then I noticed how okay it was.

I was freaking out because I was afraid of losing Stiles, afraid I hadn’t been enough for him, afraid I failed him, failed us. But it wasn’t the case. We just weren’t meant to be. Maybe he was sort of in love with me once, but it was messed up with our friendship and the crush he used to have on me, it was never true love.

And the feelings he had for Derek came in the way of the feelings he once had and wanted to have for me. He wanted to be in a relationship with me because that was his dream during most of his teenage years, but then, when it happened, he noticed how it wasn’t like he thought it’d be. It wasn't loving, at least not that kind of love.

_ So come on, let it go _

_ Just let it be _

_ Why don't you be you _

_ And I'll be me? _

_ Everything that's broke _

_ Leave it to the breeze _

_ Let the ashes fall _

_ Forget about me _

  
  


I turned away from Scott, my eyes meeting Stiles’ and he frowned, unsure. I gave him a reassuring smile and felt him sit next to me, leg pressed against mine. People started to talk, but all I could think about was how much I needed to talk to my boyfriend alone, without all those werewolf’s senses around us, with privacy.

We needed to have a heart to heart conversation, with honesty. We needed to stop trying to fix something that couldn’t be fixed, something we didn’t even want to be fixed. We both wanted to have the excitement we had at the beginning, the blood rushing through our bodies when we were close, the curiosity to discover what it was like to be together. We didn’t want each other.

During the whole night, I watched Stiles’ interactions with Derek and thought “how no one notices?”. And, well, maybe some of them do. But the fact that I took that long to notice was justified, so I just appreciated the way Stiles looked at the werewolf, trying to get his attention all the time, staring at him like he was the moon.

Later, when Stiles dropped me at my mom’s, I asked him to enter. He followed me to my bedroom, talking something about the walls and stopping when he found my eyes. He must have seen how serious I was because he quickly sat down on my bed grabbing my hands and making me do the same.

“Is there something wrong, Lyds?” he tilted his head, concern in his eyes.

_ So come on, let it go _

_ Just let it be _

_ Why don't you be you _

_ And I'll be me? _

“No, nothing’s wrong, don’t worry.” I began, smiling to myself. “You know you’re in love with Derek, right?”

“What?” his eyes widened comically and his voice sounded high pitched. “Since when?”

“Since pretty much always. I just took too long to realize, but… Now I did.” I explained, caressing the back of his hands still on mine. “And that’s why I’m breaking up with you.”

“You said there was nothing wrong,” he argued and I snorted, rolling my eyes affectionately.

“There isn’t! A breakup isn’t always a bad thing.” my voice cracked, but my smile was honest. “You love me as a friend, Stiles, I know that and I know how much you love me and how much you’d do anything to protect me, I trust you with my life. That’s why it was so hard to understand what was missing between us, what was off.”

He looked down with a guilty expression all over his face. I reached out to touch his cheek softly, rubbing my thumb to wipe away a tear that rolled down his eye. Pressing my forehead to his, I laughed quietly and attracted his curious eyes.

“What are you laughing about?”

“You didn’t deny it.” I pointed out, but he still looked confused. “That you are in love with Derek. You didn’t even try to deny it because you know it’s true. God, how did I sleep on that for so long?”

“I like to think that I’m discreet.” he joked, but there was guilt written all over him yet.

“You’re not. At all.” I teased, pinching his cheek lightly. “But that’s okay. It’s okay that you love him, Stiles. I’m happy for you, I swear I am.”

His brown eyes looked for mine, trying to find any signs of a lie in my face, but then he just sighed, shrinking his shoulders. I felt his sob on my cheek before I even heard it and threw my arms over his shoulders, bringing him closer to me. Accepting the hug, Stiles wrapped himself all around me for a few moments before backing away.

“I love you, Lydia,” he said, pouting unconsciously and grabbing my hands a little too tight.

“I love you too, Stiles. Don’t worry.” I smiled, feeling the salty taste of my tears. His fingers carefully wiped them away and I stared into his eyes. “I swear if you don’t declare your undying love to him, I’ll break your head out of your neck.”

“Why am I always attracted to violent people? Malia, you…” he laughed and I finished with:

“Derek.” in a singsong voice.

He rolled his eyes, but the whipped smile remained on his face. Slowly, his face contorted to a mix of uncertainty and insecurity. Frowning, I shook his hands placed on top of mine to get his attention and arched my eyebrows at him, but Stiles averted his gaze.

“What’s wrong?” I wondered. “Here I am, giving you the green light to go after your man, saying you’ll still have me as a friend and that it’s completely fine, why are you looking like that? What are you even worrying about?”

“Well, you might be a goddess, Lyds, but your green light doesn’t mean…” he started, but interrupted himself. “I don’t even know how he feels.”

“ _ That’s _ your concern? Oh, Stiles, c’ mon.” I rolled my eyes at him and slapped his shoulder. “That werewolf spends hours listening to you talk over Skype, laughs at your jokes and stares at you like you’re a Picasso masterpiece.”

He chuckled but didn’t seem convinced.

“Stiles, I meant it. I was mad at myself for being so damn oblivious about the two of you, not only about your feelings for him.” I insisted, staring into his eyes. “He’s a little more closed off than you, but it’s still clear to me how much your feelings are reciprocated.”

After a few moments, he nodded. His eyes held some determination I didn’t see there minutes ago, so I considered that as a win for me. We walked downstairs and I opened the door for him, hugging my now ex-boyfriend but always one of my best friends for a few moments before kissing his cheek.

“Go get your man, right now.”

“Sorry for anything, Lyds.” he started, but I interrupted by waving a hand in front of him in a signal to dismiss it. “We talk better tomorrow about the apartment and everything.”

“Yeah, sure, Stiles.” I gave him a warm smile, holding his hand. “You’re amazing and I’m really thankful for everything we had, everything we lived together.”

“So am I. You taught me so much.”

“So did you, you showed me I can be loved and cared for and appreciated for who I truly am, that I don’t need to be someone I’m not to please a guy. So thank you.” I squeezed his hand, receiving a squeeze back.

“You deserve the best. Don’t ever settle for someone who doesn’t give you that,” he told me before kissing my forehead and walking towards his car.

_ Why don't you be you _

_ And I'll be me? _

I wish I could say I didn’t cry when I went back to my room, but I did. And I’m not even ashamed of it, to be honest. I cried while I wished the best to Stiles and Derek, while I wished the best for me in the future too. I fell asleep alone that night, but I felt warmer than I had felt in the past months. My mind was finally at peace and I could rest without thinking what was I doing wrong or what I should do better.

In the next day, I walked into the loft with Kira next to me. The first thing I saw was Stiles wearing a shirt that was too baggy on him and I knew he didn’t own. The side of his neck was a bit red and, from the way it looked, I could tell it was from Derek’s stubble. He was smiling at something Cora had said but turned to us as soon as he heard our footsteps.

“Good morning.” he greeted.

We engaged in a conversation with the two other girls in the room and I gave him a knowing smirk, making his cheeks blush. Before I could even tease him, Scott and Malia walked in with a hand on hand, Liam following them like a happy puppy. McCall didn’t even try to hide his expression when his werewolf nose caught Stiles scent (probably mixed with sex, Derek and their body fluids).

The True Alpha didn’t say anything, but his eyes were wide and focused on Stiles, questioning his best friend silently and failing at being subtle. I wanted to laugh at that, but I manage to deal until the rest of the pack gathered up (including Derek and Remy, who were out running) to step on a chair and call everybody’s attention.

“Just to be clear, mainly because of your werewolf senses that are probably giving you away a lot…” I started, giving Stiles an amused look and making Derek look down with the tips of his ears getting red. “Stiles and I broke up. We’re not dating anymore since last night, but he’s still my best friend. That’s it.”

No one asked about it and I think the reasons for our breakup became pretty evident (if it already wasn’t) when Derek and Stiles cuddled together on the couch half an hour later. My eyes focused on the pair and I smiled with fondness when I saw the werewolf watching Stiles’ face while the boy watched TV.

“Isn’t it weird?” Cora questioned next to me. I kept staring at the new couple, seeing the way Derek stiffened and knowing he heard his sister’s question, even if he didn’t look at us.

“No. It’s lovely, not weird.” I told her, watching Derek’s shoulders relaxing as he pulled Stiles closer to his side and nuzzled his neck. “I’m happy for them.”

“And you’re not lying,” she stated, clearly paying attention to my heartbeat. I chuckled, nodding.

“I wish him the best. I just want him to be happy, Cora.” my eyes turned to her for a moment, but then I caught Derek’s eyes and he smiled at me. Nodding and reciprocating the gesture, I said quietly: “Take good care of him.”

Cora snorted next to me, but I cared more about the way Hale blinked at me. Stiles chose that moment to turn to face him, tilting his head in confusion, but soon he forgot what he was going to say because Derek’s lips touched his cheek for two seconds. I smiled wider and looked away, giving them some privacy.

_ Never mind, I'll find someone like you _

_ I wish nothing but the best for you, too _

**Author's Note:**

> So, in order, I used the lyrics that appeared in italic from:
> 
> "California King Bed", by Rihanna.  
"Love Me or Leave Me", by Little Mix.  
"Atmosphere", by Bebe Rexha.  
"Let It Go", by James Bay.  
"Someone Like You", by Adele.


End file.
